#and the minivan is always filled with gear and shit

[queenofshenanigans]

Steve Harrington should trade the Beemer in for a minivan. Pass it on.

Specifically

And the car salesman is like .....???? Why is this teenager insistent on trading in his sports car for a mom vehicle??? But a commission is a commission and this is a Harrington, and he can't really turn down Harrington money.

[emeren]

such a tease - eren jaeger

👗 anon request <3

pairing: eren jaeger x fem!reader 

word count: 4k

content warnings: 18+, smut, choking, degradation, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, jealousy, possessiveness 

notes: this was an anonymous request and lemme just say, i was SO excited to write this one. i’m unfortunately not super happy with how it turned out, but i’ve been swamped bc school just started back up!

SUMMARY: reader decides to tease eren by wearing a skirt without any underwear for the day, causing her very jealous boyfriend to act out in an unexpected way. 

one look in the mirror was all it took for you to quell your nerves. your fingers ran over the expanse of the pleated skirt, smoothing out any wrinkles and creases. this was bold, even for you, but you knew exactly what you were doing. 

eren had never been particularly shy about his protective nature; he was always making sure people understood you were his girlfriend, wrapping his arm around your waist or glaring at men who stared a little too long. 

you loved that about him, but you loved pushing his buttons even more. he had a bad habit of being an argumentative, hot headed little shit, and teasing him like this was asking for some rough, animalistic gesture. that was exactly what you wanted. 

you’d never neglected to wear underwear in a skirt this short, the fabric stopping just below your ass. you knew you’d have to be careful or you would end up flashing jean or armin, and that would drive eren up a wall. 

you hoped eren wouldn’t notice until you were all out; meaning there would be nothing he could do about it. teasing him was one of your favorite things to do. 

you heard your phone buzz quietly from your bed, picking up the small device and seeing eren’s name at the top. 

lil shit <3: get ur ass out here we’ve been waiting forever 

the eye roll that naturally came to you was strong, giving yourself one final once over in the mirror before heading out of your apartment. you couldn’t help the nervous smile that teased at your lips once you left the building, connie’s beat up minivan sitting at the curb. riding in his car was never the first choice; it was musty and had suspicious stains on the carpeting, but it was the only one that fit all of your friends. 

connie laid on the horn as soon as he saw you, the rest of your friends yelling from inside the vehicle as you approached. you could see jean in the passenger seat, jogging up to the rear door with a knot of nervousness in your stomach. you placed one hand on your thigh to keep the skirt from riding up as you slid the van door open. 

sasha and mikasa were stuffed in the small backseat, armin and eren sitting in the middle row. it was comical to see eren in the spot generally reserved for the smallest passenger, but you had no doubt that he wanted to sit in the middle because of you. he was petty like that - a trait that made teasing him all the more fun. 

“hey guys,” you smiled, sliding into the van as your friends all greeted you at once. your eyes were on connie, who was craning his neck to give you a rather incredulous look. 

you felt eren stiffen as you sat down, reaching for the seatbelt. connie decided to speak up before you had a chance to question it. “dude, come ooooon. what the hell took you so long?” 

“sorry, i was distracted and my phone was on my bed,” you explained, connie resolutely rolling his eyes in response. 

“let’s go already, i’m starving!” sasha wailed from the back, shaking your seat in front of her. you giggled at her desperation, finally turning to your boyfriend as connie sped away from the curb. 

you were surprised to see that eren was already staring at you, a weird glint in his eyes. you gave him a smile, trying to act innocent. “hi.” 

he didn’t say anything, just looked forward and placed his large hand on your bare thigh. it wasn’t that it was unusual for him to do so in front of your friends, in fact it was normal. you just weren’t used to him placing it so high; so high that the tip of his pinky dipped beneath the fabric of your skirt and threatened to inch towards the apex of your leg. 

had he already noticed?

“took you awhile to get ready,” eren commented, his words only being heard by you as everyone else in the car chatted about going bowling. you glanced back up at him, eyes scanning his face. he was wearing a black t-shirt and sweats, the customary ‘i don’t care about anything’ outfit he always seemed to adorn. the cold metal of the ring on his middle finger did little to ease your nerves. 

“yeah, i was just thinking about some stuff and got distracted,” you lied, smiling up at him. he was looking at you from the side of his eyes, jaw clenched. 

“really?” he breathed, his hand shifting ever so slightly up your leg. his smallest finger teased at the crease of your thigh, head leaning down to whisper in your ear. “were you thinking about some stuff or were you forgetting about some stuff?”

your breath hitched, face growing hot as you struggled for something to say. connie, once again, beat you to the punch. “oi! lovebirds! no canoodling in my back seat!”

“we weren’t canoodling,” eren sneered, pulling away and moving his hand to just above your knee. he squeezed the skin generously, your slight embarrassment about eren’s public displays of affection quickly wearing off. “i was just saying, it looks like she forgot a coat.” 

jean snorted from the front seat. “yeah and because you’re a dumbass who doesn’t wear one either, i’m gonna have to give her mine later.” 

jean’s lighthearted words lit a devious lightbulb in your mind, the gears of your plan now in full swing. you leaned forwards, wrapping your arms around the back of the chair and consequently jean’s broad chest. you leaned your head to the side, a grin on your face.

“you really are too sweet to me, jean-jean!” you cooed, the feeling of eren’s grip tightening on your thigh an indication of just how well this was working in your favor. jean chuckled at the familiar nickname, hand coming up to pat your arms wrapped around him. 

you let go and slid back into your spot, eren’s face clearly peeved at your display of affection. for once, you had the upper hand. and you were going to milk it all the way. 

the local bowling alley was a small, dank building that prided itself on its catering towards college students without much else to do. as connie skidded to a stop in his self-designated parking spot, the legacy of the building seemed to live up to its expectations. 

eren hadn’t said anything else on the ride over, just kept his hand protectively (and respectfully) placed on your lower thigh. you were much more careful sliding out of the car this time, hand blatantly coming down to cover your ass. you knew that eren was watching you, as he was quick to follow you from the vehicle and stand behind your brazen figure. 

he wrapped his arms lazily around your waist, resting his chin on the top of your head as you waited for your friends to pile out of the car. you’d grown accustomed to his touchy nature, suddenly deciding to press your ass against his groin. the gesture was small, but you could feel eren’s dick harden within his pants. 

“careful!” he hissed, hopping back in an attempt to shake away his sudden erection. you snickered to yourself, giving him a glance over your shoulder as you followed your friends into the building. 

the interior was the same as it’d always been; drowned out with black lights and the smell of wax. it was the kind of atmosphere that reminded you of your earliest days of childhood; attending large birthday parties and eating way too much cheaply made cake. 

the attendant was a short man named george, one who’d acknowledged connie’s arrival with annoyance. 

“head to our usual lane guys,” connie pointed, a grin on his features. you all made your way towards lane ten, eren in a sulking tow behind you.

as everyone began to sit down, jean motioned for you to sit next to him. “each side will be opposing teams. we’ve gotta be on the same team, per usual.” he called innocently. 

you and jean had dominated your friend group bowling tournaments each time before, and you figured this would be no different. you started towards him, surprised when you felt eren’s hand wrap around your wrist. 

“she’s going to be on my team this time, if you don’t mind,” eren stated in a quipped tone, something that would normally go undetected by jean due to their frenemy behavior. you knew that eren’s words were coming from a place of jealousy, sincerely trying to hide your sadistic grin.

jean scoffed, shaking his head. “yeah, right, jaeger. she’s going to be on connie and i’s team, like always.” 

you nodded your head in agreement, spinning to face your boyfriend. your skirt lifted ever so slightly at the action, eren’s teal eyes snapping to the garment with an annoyed perseverance. “don’t worry, i’ll take it easy on you.” 

he knew what you were doing. he knew that the thought of a part of you - a part specifically reserved for him - nearly on display for anyone who cared enough to pay attention, was enough to fill him with a primal sense of possessiveness. 

eren had never been particularly good at hiding his emotions. in fact, he’d been known to let them consume him in an embarrassingly juvenile way. as you sat down next to jean, your bare leg bumping his, eren couldn’t suppress the annoyance that washed over him. he folded his arms, the thought of your tight little- 

“eren?” armin called out, eren snapping from his lewd thought process. you took notice, leaning down to tie your bowling shoes. “did you hear me? i said here’s your shoes.” 

you listened to eren clear his throat and apologize, deciding to chat with jean and connie as everyone got ready to play. 

the final straw in your plan hadn’t even happened on purpose. it’d come to you itself, as if the powers that be were purposefully trying to get you rammed into oblivion. it came after the first few rounds of bowling, after a few near misses with jean regarding the skirt, each one sinking eren further into his foul mood. it came in the form of a lanky, awkward looking employee. 

he couldn’t have been any older than eighteen, carrying sasha’s order of nacho fries and your coca cola. he’d meant his comment to be nice as you got up to grab your drink. he hadn’t meant to say something that would send your childish boyfriend over the edge. 

“oh, uh, i like your skirt,” he’d commented awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. you smiled politely in response, eyes flitting over to eren. and if looks could kill, that awkward teenage boy would’ve been dead on sight. 

eren’s eyebrows were furrowed, jaw clenched tightly. you felt your cheeks heat as he made eye contact with the boy, standing from his seat. eren was tall, looming behind you as he protectively wrapped himself around your figure. 

“thanks,” he said flatly, pressing his face into the crook of your neck. you held your breath at the feeling of eren deeply exhaling against the sensitive skin, large hands squeezing your hips. the boy quickly looked at the ground, nodding before deciding to leave. eren waited until he was gone to remove himself from you, an annoyed twitch in his eye. “fucking little pervert.” 

you rolled your eyes, taking a generous swig from your coke. “he was just being nice.” 

eren glared at you, watching as you started back towards your friends. “nice my ass. i know you’re doing this just to rile me up.” 

“what ever do you mean?” you snickered, purposefully swaying your hips as eren scoffed, plopping back down in his seat. 

you made your way over to your teammates, sitting down and watching armin finish his turn. a couple minutes went by, chugging your coke and getting ready for connie to take his turn. 

“i think i’m gonna go use the bathroom,” you hummed, jean nodding his head in understanding. you waited until connie tossed the bowling ball down the lane, effectively missing all of the pins. you knew you’d drank the soda way too fast, standing from the bench and making your way towards the dimly lit restrooms. 

they were dark inside, with red lighting like something out of a sex club. you pushed the heavy door open, quickly locking it behind you and relieving yourself. 

as you washed your hands in the sink, you thought about just how riled up eren was getting. it was humorous, in more ways than one, but you couldn’t help the slight guilt that crept up the back of your neck about your actions. 

but then again, it wasn’t like eren wasn’t known himself for being a tease. you couldn’t count the number of times where he’d purposefully made you jealous or grabbed your ass in an inopportune moment. so what was the harm in giving him a taste of his own medicine? 

you flattened your hands against the skirt, making sure it was straight before unlocking the door and heaving it open, stepping out into the dark hallway. 

you jumped back at the appearance of a dark figure leaning against the wall, defensively clutching your chest as you stood in front of your slightly amused boyfriend. 

“mind if we chat?” he asked, voice edging an emotion that you knew you couldn’t get into at the moment. your eyes glanced down the end of the hallway, no one in sight. you looked back to him, his pink lips turned upwards, the word ‘gotcha’ written all over his face.

“we should probably head back out there,” you mumbled, trying to ignore the way eren was sizing you up. he just smiled, pushing himself from the wall and taking a step towards you. all of the confidence you’d had in your teasing flew out the window, swallowing at the downfall of your plan.

“don’t worry. i told ‘em my mom was calling,” he purred in response, index finger coming up to gently trace against your jaw. it was his turn to be smug; everyone in your friend group knew that carla’s phone calls were a draw out, lengthy affair. he’d trapped you. 

you held your breath as he stepped forward, slowly tilting your jaw to place a deceivingly sweet kiss to the skin. you felt embarrassed at the way your cunt throbbed at the action, his lips moving to tease the shell of your ear. “but what about me?” 

“what about you?” eren sneered, his voice turning slightly sour, fingers roughly gripping your jaw as he placed a kiss right below your ear. “this is what you were asking for, wasn’t it? now be a good girl and go back into the bathroom for me.” 

you hesitated for a moment, thinking about your friends bowling a mere 100 feet away. eren’s eyes were dark, and the churning you could feel at the pit of your stomach was only making it harder to resist. 

all it took was the thought of eren bending you over the sink, fucking you stupid for you to demurely shift in place, turning to shove the bathroom door open once again. you could feel your neck burning at the thought of how easily you’d just submitted, but you wanted this. more than anything. 

the bathroom was no desirable place; it smelled like generic soap and had discarded pieces of toilet paper on the ground. eren didn’t seem to care, gingerly locking the door behind himself before roughly shoving you forward facing against the cool, knock off linoleum countertop. 

you could feel his hard dick pressing against your ass, your reflections in the dirty mirror lit under the red lightbulbs. he was commanding; aggressively grinding himself into you, your skirt beginning to ride up at the motion.

eren made eye contact with you in the glass, one hand coming forward to tilt your neck to the side. he slowly brought his lips down, peppering the skin till his mouth met the base of your neck. he made sure you were watching as he pressed his tongue flatly against the skin, your breath hitching as you watched him drag the wet muscle up to your jawline. 

“you’re such a tease,” he growled against you, rolling his hips into your ass. you could feel your skirt starting to ride up even more, the cold air uncomfortable. “’s’hot, knowing your pretty little cunt is so exposed.” 

his hand on your jaw slipped around your throat, squeezing lightly in warning as he flipped the edge of your skirt up.

you squeaked as his other hand snaked between your legs, middle two fingers slowly sliding themselves between your already soaking center. he rubbed at your clit, breath hot against your neck as he forced you to watch him through the mirror. 

“look at how pretty you are,” he mumbled as he plunged his two digits inside of you, the sudden sensation causing a gasp to leave your lips. he wasn’t playing nice; roughly digging his fingers all the way to the last knuckle. his other hand squeezed your throat tighter. it hurt, but you couldn’t help the way your cunt clenched around him, chest tightening. “so pretty for me. n’only me.”

he slowed his fingers, pumping in and out of you, the sound of your slick causing him to grow impossibly harder. the feeling of his cock pressed against the flesh of your ass sent another throb to your cunt, eren smirking in response. 

“needy for my cock after teasing all day?” he asked, stuffing his fingers particularly deep, a strangled moan slipping past your lips. you struggled to nod your head against his grasp, the feeling of his fingers sliding in and out of you at such a rhythmic pace causing you to grind your hips against his hand and subsequently his cock. 

he quickly pulled his fingers out from inside of you, hand growing tighter around your throat. “you were such a little whore today. a little whore who needs to learn a thing or two.” 

you could feel tears prickling in your eyes, eren’s hand that was wrapped around your throat coming up to pry your mouth open. you didn’t have a chance to react before he was slipping his sheen coated fingers past your lips, the saccharine flavor hitting your tastebuds. 

“suck for me, pretty girl,” he said lowly, hooded eyes watching you in the mirror. you did as you were told, wrapping your lips around his knuckles and swirling your tongue around his fingers. the taste wasn’t completely pleasant or unpleasant, your mouth releasing with a smack. 

eren pressed down on your tongue with his fingers, saliva filling your mouth before he dragged the two digits down your chin and throat, leaving a shiny trail in their wake. 

he brought his hands down to roughly grope your chest, your own hands pressing against the countertop to keep you steady. eren gripped the hem of your sweater, forcing the fabric up to your midsection. 

“off, take it off.” he demanded, leaning back from you but still keeping his groin pressed against your ass. you were quick to oblige, pulling it over your head. as you did so, you could feel eren palming your ass under the skirt, his dark eyes fixated on the sight of your little skirt riding up on your skin. 

you dropped the sweater to the ground, knowing you’d regret it later, but you couldn’t be bothered. eren didn’t wait, letting go of your ass to unclasp your bra, the undergarment falling into the empty sink. he palmed at your newly exposed breasts, fingers pinching at your hardened nipples. 

he was watching you in the mirror, the sight of you batting your eyelashes with your saliva on your chin only making him more possessive. it sent a twitch to his cock, hands releasing from your chest to shove you against the cold glass. 

“want me to show this pretty cunt who it belongs to, hm?” eren nearly growled, the thought of jean or that employee ever being lucky enough to see you like this pushing him over the edge. 

you tried to nod against the mirror, your breasts pressed against the cold material only aiding the way your center throbbed mercilessly for whatever eren was about to do. his hand came up to fist your hair, the other haphazardly yanking down his sweats and boxers. 

you could see his veiny cock slap against his stomach through the mirror, the tingling in your clit multiplying at the sight of it. eren smirked at your staring. 

“fuck,” he hissed, his gaze drawn to your skirt pooled around your waist, glistening center ready for him to abuse. and he couldn’t wait any longer, rubbing the tip of his cock between your legs. 

a gasp ripped through your throat at just how deeply eren thrusted into you, his hips hitting your ass with a loud smack. it hurt; his brows furrowed as he completely pulled out from you, just to ram himself back inside your tight cunt. 

“what’s wrong?” eren asked breathlessly, pounding into you as hard as he could. you were jerking against the mirror, mouth open as your nose began to tingle; a tell-tale sign of tears. your boyfriend had a sadistic smile on his face, a piece of hair falling from his bun to rest against his forehead. 

“ah- hurts,” you gasped out, the sound of eren pounding into you filling the small space. eren hit you with a particularly deep angled thrust, the tip of his cock brushing your cervix. he tightly fisted your hair, yanking on the follicles as hit other hand gripped your waist for better leverage. it hurt so bad, but so good.  

“look at you, look at you take my cock like this,” he said, voice gravelly as he began to buck his hips faster. you could feel the hot tears rolling down your cheeks, eren’s hand around your waist moving to guide your knee up onto the counter top for better leverage. the pain lessened with his movement, his animalistic thrusts growing pleasurable. “such a good little whore. a little whore who’ll only let me fuck her like this, hm?” 

you moaned out against the glass, eren yanking your hair as an indication for a worded response. “yes-yes. all for you, only you.” 

eren groaned out at your words, his head leaning back as he slammed into you from behind. he was blurry as your breath fogged the glass, but just the image of him bucking his cock deep within your throbbing cunt was enough to have you seeing stars. 

he was filling you up so nice, pressing himself against you as the veins in his arms grew prominent. you could feel him twitching inside of you, your own center clenching around him as he made sure you knew you were his. 

“such a little tease, showing off her pretty little cunt like that,” eren moaned out, shamelessly loud. he buried himself within you, your eyes rolling back in your head as the building anticipation between your legs became too much to bear. 

“eren-” you heaved, him quickening his pace, hitting your cervix over and over. it was enough to make the tears come back, your vision becoming hot white as he bucked his hips once more, stuffing his cock impossibly deep within you. your orgasm didn’t reach its climax until you felt eren’s length twitch, effectively filling you with his cum. 

the high was incredible; the cold mirror a stark contrast to the hot, burning sensation as eren thrusted out his own climax. 

the two of you stood for a moment, mirror foggy and bathroom humid as you recollected your composure. when eren did pull out, he watched his cum slowly drip down your thigh, fingers attempting to stuff it back inside of you. 

“don’t let it drip out,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your sweaty cheek. you could only roll your eyes, peeling yourself from the glass. he gingerly pulled his pants back up, delivering a swift swat to your ass as he stood straight again. 

“y’know, you should wear skirts more often.” 

“you should get jealous more often.” 

“sounds like a deal to me.” 

<3 <3 <3

[stormy-skies-falling]

Little teaser for the upcoming chapter...

The carpool to school was chaotic as always. Phil was driving, of course, and I rode in the passenger seat to keep my sanity… Techno wasn’t as lucky. He was forced to squeeze in the back with his two brothers, and try not to kill them, as they argued over something stupid. It is partially his fault, because he could’ve fought me for shotgun. Though, I am glad he didn’t, because I would have lost in a physical fight. Verbal? Yeah, still would have lost, so it worked out well for me! You can only be in the back with Wilbur and Tommy for so long before you go insane.

The whole carpool thing started years ago. Wilbur thought it would be a great idea to all ride to school together in order to “save gas” or something like that. I’m pretty sure he just didn’t want to be alone on his drive to school. I did share my theory with him once causing him to blush like crazy and deny the whole thing. It was entertaining, to say the least. The rules of the carpool go like this: Wilbur and Tommy are always in the back; Phil, Techno, and I alternate driving; and if anyone else decided to carpool, to school or back, it’s every person for themselves.

The tires of Phil’s minivan screech as we practically drift into our designated parking spot. My and Wilbur’s quarrel this morning caused us to get out of the house a little later than usual. And by a little later, I mean twenty minutes later. Teachers usually have to arrive at school at least an hour before school starts, in order to prepare for their daily class(es), and Phil’s house isn’t the closest to DSMP High. A few speeding and traffic laws may have been disobeyed, but it’s okay!

The sound of the van’s doors opening and slamming shut rings through the air. Our entire crew rushes out of the vehicle in a state of panic, then there’s Tommy.

“You guys are so weird.” Tommy says with an eye roll, leaning against the hood of the van, backpack in hand. As the adults of the family rush around, I catch a glimpse of the youngest impatiently peering over the tops of parked cars, trying to find his friends to escape our madness. Like he isn’t one of the main causes of it.

The sound of abrasive laughter and wheezing fills my ears, the surprising noise nearly causing me to hit my head on the door of the van. Techno and Wilbur stifle a laugh as I grumble through my near misfortune. I shoot them a glare from over my shoulder. Assholes. Without turning around, I know the laughter came from my other friends and Dream. They’re all, of course, morning people. Always so full of life when we all arrive at our place of work. Well, except for George.

Speaking of the Devil, within the few moments it takes me to finally gather all my work gear, George crashes his head into my shoulder with an exasperated groan.

“I hate how happy and awake they are in the morning.” The British man grumbles, voice muffled by the fabric of my shirt.

“Don’t we all?” I agree with a small smile, ruffling his hair a bit before he straightens out his posture. He shoots me an annoyed look and goes to fix his hair, but something seemed to catch his eye before he could. George leans around me, a small smirk adorns his face as he cocks his head. “What are you?” I question, furrowing my brows, and turning to follow his gaze.

“Hello, Wilbur.” George says as he slightly tilts his head up. The taller man’s posture goes tense, face beet-red. oh. oH. OH!

“Hi, George.” Wilbur practically squeaks. Oh we’re so talking about this later. “How are you this scrumptious morning?” I give Wilbur a confused look, he returns it with a “fuck off” stare. He’s the one who called the morning “scrumptious” so I don’t want to hear/see it.

“I’m doing wonderful this scrumptious morning, Wilbur.” I look over to George who still has a small smirk on his face, obviously enjoying Wilbur’s awkwardness. Well shit. Since when is George this bold?

I slowly start to back away from the pair, not really wanting to third wheel so early in the morning.

“Well I suppose I should get to my room, issuing a big test today. See you later, Y/n.” George says with a short wave as he turns on his heel to leave. “Wilbur.” The man says as he winks, from over his shoulder, at the flustered man before me.

When George is finally out of sight, I turn back to Wilbur, big smile and eyes wide. It seems he’s already staring at me, face still red. Wil is down bad.

I open my mouth to comment on what I just witnessed, but am quickly interrupted. “Don’t say a word.”

“But–”

“Not a single one. Let’s go, we have to get ready for our classes.” Wilbur beacons me to follow and I quickly trail behind him, making sure I have everything for the morning.

Taglist

@baguettehead @malinalovejoy @torpedo-belly @dinonuggets199 @2cuteforyourlies @shakiraa-a @thinkingotherwise @iyvoryxx @cybergiirl @mayempress @sun-flower-seed

[kapanbenernya]

Path of Exile -- Daddy Diablo’s Little Hellspawn

 Do you remember Diablo? If you're a guy that's been playing the PC when LAN was still the best method to play together since the internet is still an undependable piece of shit it was before puberty hit it hard and turned it into digital cocaine, you probably do. That's right, how can you forget about Blizzo's isometric dungeon crawler? I still remember my first hit of Diablo II, it was in the computer lab of my middle school. I never tried it again since until my college days, when me and my 3 friends basically rushed through the story in 3 days straight, all while cramped together in a 3 x 4 metres room. I'll spare you the gnarly details, but one of them involved laying my legs on the bathroom floor just to make some room.

So, um, let me change the topic here: Do you LIKE Diablo? Well if you remember it and are still playing it's sequels to this day, I'd say you do. And you know who else likes Diablo?

These guys!

That's right, they like Diablo so much they made their own Diablo. They cloned Diablo, mutated its genes and gave birth to their own brand of grindy isometric RPG: Path of Exile and Torchlight, respectively. 

I've actually played Torchlight before, the first and the second. The first one was very simple: 1 town, 2 pets, 3 classes, and like, a billion enemies. The second one was more fleshed out with more towns, more classes, but I didn't like it as much as the first. I liked the first one because it doesn't try to emulate Diablo that much. It's got a more laid back cartoony style, which sets it apart from the competition because it's always demonic horrors with these kind of games. Don't wanna swing too far from under Daddy Diablo's hairy ballsack, eh guys?

That's about all I can say about Torchlight, so let's change gears and finally talk about Path of Exile.

Story is, you are a criminal of some sort in a city that seems to be filled exclusively by pompous assholes, and your sentence is --you guessed it-- being the person that rubs the King's left ballsack until it shines. Of course you fucking don't, it's exile. You are sent away into the wilderness before you stain all the marble and rugs with your filthy criminal hands. So on your way. the boat you are sent on shipwrecks because God feels like karma's been to slow these days and he wants to take control once in a while. You then awaken in the land of Wraeclast, filled to the brim with criminals, monsters, and other undesirables you might think of. And so begins your journey to find your path. As an exile. The Path of Exile, if you will (BOOM TITLE DROP). 

And that's about all the story you need. For the rest of them, you can make an effort and click on the NPCs. If you do want to bother yourself by reading all the flavor text you can access in the game, you will actually find a quite decent story of the city, the culture, their gods and progenitors, and why everything is fucked the way it is now. I personally couldn't be bothered because I know it’s going to be the same shit over and over again. In fact, let me summarize everything for you, the plot is basically "Everything's gone to shit, there’s demons everywhere, oh God somebody do something”. That's my mantra for the story of Diablo, and it works fine enough with PoE. Now let's talk mechanics

I promise you, this is where the section where the game shines anyway

Now I'm not gonna go into the details here because almost everyone knows the general mechanics of isometric RPGs: you click around to move, attack, use skills, pickup items, drop items, initiate conversations, end conversations, open loot, pay respects, and so much more. What I'm going to discuss is the one thing that I think is the unique selling point of PoE, which is the Skill Gems. In PoE, the skills are not tied to your class or level or any skill tree, it's tied only to the aforementioned skill gem. To equip a skill, you have put the skill gem into a socket in the equipment in accordance to their color: red, green, or blue. So if you happen to unequip an item with a skill gem, the skill becomes inactive and you can't use it. To me, this is a game changer since it changes the way you look at weapons and armors from the old traditional way. The old way was that the higher the number equals better weapon or armor and usually it's the one you want. But in PoE, this might not be the case since the skill system is tied to the equipment. And here comes the part where you have to think hard. Let's say you found some cool new bling to wear with higher numbers than the one you have, so naturally you wanna equip it right away, right? But what about the gem slots? The colors? The gem links? Does it accomodate your build? How about element resistances? Is it an armor armor or an evasion armor? It makes you choose between the mystic plate mail made out of virgin tears with a measly single slot or the plain white T-shirt with 6 linked slots. It's like making you consider going out in a Lamborghini that'll turn all the ladies' heads or a minivan because it can fit more whores.

While you're thinking about that, let me give you another headache: the passive skill tree.

Intimidating, isn’t it?

This is the reason why I decided against playing the game when I first heard about it from my friend. I can’t give you the numbers because I couldn’t find the total number of all the passive skills on the internet. And I think it’s a testament to how utterly ridiculous it is! I mean the internet’s got all kinds of information, so the fact that the total number isn’t available means that no one can be bothered to count them all. And you know that internet nerds would do anything just to get any semblance of productivity and sense of self-worth. Oh whatever, it’s not the numbers I’m here to talk to you about, because in the long run the numbers aren’t important. The important one is the passive build. If you’re not familiar, a build in RPG is kind of like a template or a preset that you plan in accordance to how you want your character to be. Or in other words, building your character. In the case of Path of Exile, your build is about taking the right passive skills that supports the active skills you want to use. Now that you know what a build is, here’s an advice to save you from tears: pick a build before you play. Well ok, maybe you’re a veteran RPG player or you just wanna go in blind and improvise (like me), but how about you think again? There are about 100+ passive skill nodes you can take from the God-knows-how-many are available, not to mention the active skills you’d want to use. I mean the numbers alone are terrifying, how about the synergy between the passives and the actives? What if you want to change your active skills and the passives are no longer compatible? Should you take the health node or an offensive node? How about the special nodes that grants you unique abilities? Would you like to invest in the socket node that buffs your skill gem?

OH GOD OH LORD MAKE IT STOP

So far I've listed the mechanics and the happenings of the game. So here's the last thing on my checklist before I draw my conclusion: do I enjoy it? 

Well, here's the part where it starts going sideways.

On my playthrough, of course I decide to go at it with my friend, since these dungeon crawlers are kind of made to be played that way. My friend told me to search for a build guide, but I decided I'm gonna be a brave boy and go blind on this character. For a while, we journeyed together, slayed together, get slayed together, and fought over the loot together. Then I went offline for several days and came back to find my friend had continued grinding for those days. The power gap had become too much of a difference to the point he coudn't flex his arms without a monster dying somewhere in the vicinity, and that's already after the party nerf. Turns out the stat nerf doesn't mean that much shit when he's already got most of the endgame skill jewels. So there I was just picking up the loot while he's busy mowing down the enemies. The most helpful thing I could do was cast a debuff spell to curse the enemies (as if they aren't helpless enough already). And it is in that moment that I thought to myself, "How am I anymore useful than the golem following his ass around?". It is at that moment where I stopped taking the game and its fancy ass skill tree seriously and just go at it for shits and giggles.

But of course, being a credible man of high-credibility and redundancy, it would be unfair to judge the game based on my experience with my friends. I mean how would I know that my friend didn't ruin the game for me? He turned me into a vestigial golem for fuck's sake, and I'd bet your ass that wasn't the intended game experience! (I mean maybe, I didn't check if there's a fucking build for that). I went off to set out on a lonely journey of my own; alone and without any companions 

ok I'll stop with the redundancy thing, I promise

So I made a new character to test out the game unhindered by my friends only to have it backfire on me because after half an hour of playing alone, all I can feel is the grind. I mean it made sense, at least when I'm with my friends I can still chat and crack jokes with each other. Take the social aspect away and in comes the grind, just like real life.

So finally I gave up on the new character and I'm about to give up on the game entirely. Or at least that was the plan until my friend suggested to take a look at my sloppily made character. 10 mins after he looked at my build, he told me that I got a lot of things wrong and that I'm a fucking waste of human life. He then proceeds to tell me which passives to get, which skills to throw away, and gave me his hand-me-downs. Afterwards, I took my optimized guy for a test drive, and I found out that he performs a lot better than before. And that's when the game feels great for me. No longer am I dead after I brushed elbows with a monster, and no longer do I have to spend 3 minutes to clear a normal enemy mob. It turned my dungeon crawl into my dungeon one way bullet train to Funtown. The grind feels less grindy, and that's about all I can ask for because I'm starting to enjoy the game proper. Or at least that was the case until I beat the final boss and my friends introduced me to the endgame content. I went in confident as hell, and I ended up getting 1 hit-KO’d once more. No. That’s too much. This has been an uphill struggle from the start and now that I’ve reached the peak, my reward is another mountain to scale. So no thanks buddies, I’m fully content with THIS mountain peak, it’s a good enough place for me to throw myself off the cliff.

In Brief

There's no easier way for me to summarize PoE. It always goes back to the Diablo comparison, so the conclusion is: if you like Diablo, I'm 90% sure that you'll like this one. The other 10% however depends solely on your tastes, and the differences lie in the skill gems and the passive tree which is the 2 things that defines PoE. Here's the cliffsnotes to help you with your decision so you can get on your way. If you think Diablo is too simple and you want a creative challenge in creating a build that feels unique to you, go get PoE. If you like Diablo as is and you think that the skill gem and passive tree appeals only to maniacs whose wrists should be broken with pipe wrenches for their own good, I'd suggest you buy an expensive mobile phone and keep your credit card nearby.

The one thing I learnt from this is that it's all about optimisation. It's either you go all-in and find the best build, skill, and equips or you'd better off not playing the game at all, because all that's left is the grind and pain. And fuck me if grind and pain is what passes for fun these days. Cause if it does, then I fear for the humans of the future and how they're gonna have to find a way to eat spaghetti with their ball-gag still on.

15/4/2019

[thegnasticious]

The Long Way Home

On one of my first trips to Lake Minniwauken, I noticed a strange town on the way, gazing out the tinted windows of a minivan. I had been sleeping most of the drive down, lured to sleep by the green of endless cornfields. I woke up to see old ornate buildings and businesses surrounding. It seemed to be a small town. People walked to and fro. I noticed one place in particular, called Evan’s toys. I imagined what Evan looks like, and how he’s the guy who runs the shop, as we traveled.

I fell alsleep before we left the town’s borders, and immediately woke up to an abrupt bump. Apparently we hadn’t entered the town, and we were now approaching it.

My dad eyed me from the driver’s seat and started talking, “legend has it son, that this whole town dissapeared in one day, funny ain’t it?”. I noticed the buildings weren’t as I dreamt them, this time empty and seemingly abandoned.

‘Was what I saw just a dream?’

We passed Evan’s toys, the sign was hanging from one hinge this time. Both once glimmering chains were now rusted and bent. No toys or children dotted its once completely filled inventories of basically anything that could be imagined.

As we exited the town’s borders, I turned to see a sign which now blocked the town’s name.

In big red letters it read QUARANTINE ZONE. DO NOT EXIT OR IDLE YOUR CAR IN THE FORMER TOWN’S LIMITS. PHOTOGRAPHY & DOCUMENTATION IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

My father seemed silent, and glum. He muttered silently to himself “first Uncle Bill then Evan....”

I didn’t want to pester him about it.

I acted like I went to sleep,

Waiting to hear what his muttering was about.

“That whole place, I don’t think the kid gets it, it goes for miles and miles, and miles. All those people real or not, dissapeared in one day, abducted, and what does the government and military have to say, contaminated, quarantined, shit, they might of been the aliens themselves, abducted the whole lot to who knows where. You know how much taxpayer dollars it takes to deal with this shit, covering up the fallout, bet you the whole expanse is gone by next year.”

And it was. The next year it was as if it was never there. Every single building in its small downtown leveled, I never got to set foot in any of them. Considering it was about an hour out of the way, few besides my dad took the time to try and find the place. I never met my Uncle Bill or Evan, but both dissapeared one day from work, without a trace, in that little town.

I think my dad tried to return to it, hoping one day it would reappear and he could find them.

His dreams never seemed to meet reality again, and as he grew older, he forgot all about that funny little place.

I still remember the stories he told of it though, of warm nights with concerts in the main square, the smell of funnel cakes and hot dogs piercing the air. His eyes would glow a bit, as if just the memories brought him back.

‘But that’s all over’ he’d always conclude, timing the statement with the passing of the former QUARANTINE sign.

News agencies didn’t report the dissapearances, any attempted publications were blacklisted and threatened out of existence. Families of those taken, were told strictly to not inform anyone of what had happened, at risk of seizing a substantial financial payoff that would only be held in American banks or otherwise, if they cooperated.

It was some ten years later, I was driving back that way with my own child, not too soon after my father had passed, that I somehow re-entered the town I first saw. I didn’t point it out to my wife or child. I didn’t want to get into the history, just pulled up to Evan’s and shut the car off. Entering its familiar red door, I expected to hear a squeak as it opened, but the well oiled gears sounded brand new. A small bell chimed overhead as I passed through the doorway. Besides the missing squeak, it was just as my father said it would be.

Every kind of candy lined its main lobby, branches led off in a Y formation in the back, housing toys of all sorts. In the middle was presumably, Evan, and the man there ten years later, matched the description of the same register person who had served him some 15-20 years ago. Aged not one bit, and still as silent as ever, taking notes on things the customers commented weren’t there, for the next week’s shipment. His look was like a skinny soda jerk of the 50’s and it really made me feel like time had truly forgotten this place and people. It scared me to think that, knowing what I did, this could happen or have already happened to me.

I never quite gave credence to aliens, or the supernatural, but that day, leaving the town and seeing no signs to mark its limits or the supposed containment zone, I truly felt I might of been abducted myself.

The next time we took the long way home, nothing was there at all. We had our memories of it, but besides that, there was little proof of the strange little town that seemed to possess my father. It was as if we had our last visit, and then he took it with him for good.

Maybe that’s just the way it goes, people and places and things we know. That’s the words Evan gave me, before I gave his shop’s bell one last ring. I wanted to take it all with me, but I knew I couldn’t, I knew this would be truly the last time I’d see it.

Something is funny about places and people and things that coincide with our dreams, not knowing where they start and we begin, and that in itself seems to never end